I am a runaway.
I run from my problems. To not grow emotionally or to deal with my problems that cause great stress. To find a way to escape from said stress was probably more work than learning to deal with the issue at hand. But personal responsibility was not something that I wanted to acknowledge. There was part of me that enjoyed playing the victim or finding something or someone to use as an excuse.
One of the first things I can truly remember using was lady liquor to run. Yes, it started out as something to enjoy, but soon--very soon--it became an escape. The pain and frustration I had in my late teenage years as well as the anger towards my parents, especially my dad, was easier to run and drink. The weekends were consumed with drinking to take away those pains, and I never did mature (for many years) in how to deal with these emotions.
Then a year or so after graduation I physically ran. I moved five hours from my parents' house. The unhappiness of living n their home, in the area, and the people just did not make anything feel like a true home to me. It was just a place for me to survive. So, moving to a much larger city with more diversity and opportunities seemed to be the best thing. I thought this run would give me something better than the home of my parents had to offer. For a short time the newness and excitement took away much of the pain of my emotional immaturity. But, OH! how quickly the newness of things fade away.
New pains and stress as well as the old ones come back with a vengeance. Having never learned how to deal with emotions I ran even deeper to the liquor as life went on. No love or relationship could help me get awayf rom the alcohol. The running was going faster and faster and not helping anything. (You can read about the pain here or here.)
I got help, and learned a lot, but the idea of running was still there. Quite honestly there was an underlying desire to run and start something new when I moved 1,100 miles to Florida. There were good and decent reasons, but I think there was a desire to run and start fresh, as well.
Luckily, I am starting to see this and signed a years lease to keep me from running in this new pain and stress. I feel myself wanting to bolt to something new and exciting. Yet, from the past I have learned that it will not do me any true good. There may come a point to move onto something new, but this time I am going to stay put. I am going to take care of myself. I am going to sit, pray, and meditate to find what is right and healthy for me. But I know and believe what a friend told me, "the world is your oyster." Yet, to sit still and hold my place is making me antsy, but it is the right thing to do.....for now.
I am a runaway that is learning patience.
I am a runaway that is learning to grow.
I am a runaway that has the beginnings of a new home.
I am a runaway learning to sit.
Please pray for me?