To start things off let's just get it out in the open--I have a great dislike for the color blue. There is no real reason behind it, but as I told Mom years ago, "It's just, so blue!" This is probably the most simple and straightforward thing about me, other than the simple facts that I am 35 years old, raised in Eastern Kentucky, and am a former drunk.
My life on the surface has always looked good or at least decent. I grew up with my parents being married, church attendance on a regular basis, and only a few months since the age of 16 being unemployed. Yet, in the midst of all things that looked good much was not. Depression has been a battle in my life for many years, and a lack of faith or belief in God does not seem to be the problem. There has also been the feeling of not ever quite fitting in. Sure, I could put masks on to be what people needed or expected me to be, but in the end my true self way never truly out there.
The need to fit in, the depression, and the good feelings (at the beginning) from the drink all had a part of me becoming an alcoholic. (However, I like calling myself a drunk because it seems to be more honest and truthful to my thoughts and actions.) During this time, I never truly left God, but at the same time He was not the center of my life either. To let myself rely on Him to comfort and protect me seemed to be illogical. I mean, a God that created all things to want to be in my life, in all things, truly did not compute. The creation seemed to vast for Him to look in on someone as insignificant and small as myself. I justified all of this in the name of humility.
Years passed by and the drink stopped bringing comfort. Depression and being an outcast overwhelmed me into a complete emotional breakdown. In this, I finally called out to God. It was a complete and utter cry out that I needed help and that I could not go on any more without Him. Everything that I was doing was killing me slowly and I did not want to die, but wanted to learn how to live. It took a few months to truly start seeing the steps I needed to take, because I did not know how to listen and see the path that He was laying before me.
My spiritual journey started to change to more reliance upon God and less on myself. I broke down and started going to AA because I finally accepted the fact that I could not overcome on my own. So on April 28, 2009, I made myself a new birthday and the true journey started in recovery and in being me.
In this journey, I have found more of God and less of me. Learning to talk to God and share my hopes and fears; to ask Him for things and find ways to do things for Him. To do His will of loving Him with all my heart and soul as well as my neighbors. Through His love and grace and wisdom of community I am learning to be a functioning member of society.
By no means am I perfect, but am here to share my journey in hopes you can learn something or be encouraged to keep going forward in sobriety. And maybe as time goes on you too will share part of your life with me as well.