My Living Hell

A living hell--this phrase comes out from time to time.  It is said when things are not going well at all in life and when things are quite painful.  I think there are few times when this phrase an truly describe what is going on in life, but thinking of my life spent as an alcoholic I believe that it can be said that I was living in my on personal hell.

When I think of Hell, it is not the fire and pain from it that I view, but something more painful.  To view it as a place of being hot and burning for the rest of eternity is bad, but I think it is something so much more.  Here in this life we hold on to the hope and prospect that our circumstances have the chance of being better; in Hell we do not have that.  Here we have a few people who are willing to help us; in Hell we will not have any type of support system.  While living we have the opportunity to find God, and in Hell, all those chances will be lost.  It is the final separation from the opportunity to know and be with God.  That is a pain that cannot be soothed in any shape form or fashion.  To be completely alone without any hope is the purest form of Hell that I can think of.

In the last days of me being a drunk I had lost sight of all hope.  There was no clarity of seeing a support system, the hope of things getting better, or comfort from God was completely lost from sight or feeling. I was merely existing. I saw no end to the pain, loneliness. It was my own personal living Hell that I created to live in every moment of every day. The only difference between this and the final Hell of the Bible was things were not over for me.  There was the opportunity for things to get better and out of desperation called out to God for help.

There was nothing left to do. I could either stay in my hell and just wait for life to end at some point or I could call on God to help.  It was at this point that I knew that I could go no deeper in my despair.  The pit I had dug and climbed into had a bottom and there I was stuck in the dark and solitary place.  Yet, within this pit I could not see God nor a way out, but life was going no where and I did not have any other choice, but to call out to God if I was going to get out.

This was the Step One, even though I did not know it until I entered into Alcoholics Anonymous.  There I was sitting in the waste of my life, with nothing left to lose.  I could have lost more material things, but in my mental and spiritual state there was nothing left to lose. It was a life of complete nothingness surrounded by alcohol and nothing else. Bl and without, there was no light to show me anything better than what I was experiencing.  I was brought to my knees in pain and desperation, there was no reason left to live.

I knew nothing other than alcohol. Work was only a means to get the alcohol.  It was truly a frustrating and laborsome task, because it angered me beyond all ends.  Nothing I did, or anything anyone else did, pleased me. The only thing that eased me any bit was the alcohol, but even that angered me.  Everything angered me because alcohol was the only thing that mattered, and the only thing that controlled my life. It did not matter what love anyone showed me I only had feelings for the drink. Any praise that was given to me meant nothing because my only comforter was alcohol.

This thing controlling my life angered me to my core.  I was angry because I let something take control of my life, and I knew that I had to do something. The only thing I could do was admit that it had consumed me and that I had became completely helpless and hopeless in my life.  This was very humiliating for me because it meant that I had became a failure, because I could not take care of myself.  This realization came out of sheer desperation not to the fact that I had discovered some miraculous answer to my problem.  There was just no where else to turn.

This was my life.  No control over the alcohol.  Everything I did was shadowed by the thought of alcohol.  It was always on my mind. How was I going to get a drink?  How was I going to pay for it?  How was I going to hide it?  What lies was I going to have to tell?  There was no thought of how others thought of me or what alcohol was doing to me, and I had became tired of it.  I was tired of the lies.  I was tired of the anger.  I was just plain tired and did not know what else to do but cry out for help.

I am thankful that this is all that Step One asked of me, because if there was a greater task for me to do I do not think I would have had the strength to do it.  This took every ounce of strength and determination that I had left within me, but once I set foot in a meeting and found some support I started to see a very dim light that had the opportunity to give me more.  And this gave me the strength to move onto to the rest of the steps.

This was my life in song:

Going Through Hell

by: Rodney Adkins

Well you know those times when you feel like
There's a sign there on your back
That says I don't mind if you kick me, seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You think it can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Used the needle of your compass, to sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie in a bottle of jim beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

[Chorus]

If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

I've been deep down in that darkness
I've been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different deamons breathin' fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled I'd fall right into the trap
That they were layin'

But the good news is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holdin' out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been draggin' for so long
You're on your knees might as well be prayin'
Guess what I'm sayin'

[Chorus]

If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
When you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
When you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

I created this hell for myself, and the Devil knew that I was there.  There was always a reason to stay there, and I did for so much longer than I should have.  Even though I knew the life I was living was causing pain to myself and others I did not want to give it up.  The Devil taught me how to lie to myself that what I was doing was okay. There was always a rationalization or justification as to why I got drunk or wanted to get drunk, even though they really made no sense whatsoever.  It was not me doing the thinking, it was the alcohol, and I truly believe the devil is in the alcohol.

There is a way out.  There is a way to stop the lies and to find peace and comfort, but all you have to do is understand that you are not in control and that alcohol is.  There is nothing more that is required of you to start, but believe me it is enough if that is what you want.