We all want to survive. We want to sustain our lives as long as possible. Yet, this word comes off the tongue with such a biter taste. It seems as though there is something wrong and missing with this word. There should be something more....
Now there is a word I wish I could get behind and truly do. To live implies that there is a greater meaning to all things. Something greater than merely surviving. A defining measure to survival--of more than eating, breathing and sleeping.
Many years of my alcoholic life I just survived. The driving force was to find that next drink. Daily chores, work, and minimal family obligations were only a means to get to that next drink. If I went through these actions no one would be the wiser of what was going on in my life. I could continue to survive as a drunk, and give the appearance of living.
While my body was surviving, death was slowly eating at my heart and soul. There was no life. There was o living. To know what joy and happiness were was an impossible feat. These things had left so early in my drunkenness that all I could do was survive and fake the emotions of pleasure. The sad thing is that in trying to fool others, I started to fool myself.
As sobriety came, I started to find some small things that brought a small measure of happiness. Nothing big. Nothing that most normal people would get excited over. I was excited! More than that I was elated. I was learning how to live. I was starting to move past mere survival into something more.
Now that my relationship of 12 years in ending and I am on my own again, I am back to survival. I am back to eating, breathing, and sleeping. There is no joy or happiness. I don't know what to do to enjoy life. I just know how to survive. I give a smile. I give a laugh. I try to cover the fact that my soul feels as though it is dying again. A place that I did not want to return to. This dying was a major driving force in my finding sobriety, but to get out of it now, I don't even know where to begin.
I can survive well.
I can keep my body alive.
In hopes of being able to live comes again.
I want to learn how to live. I want to have meaningful and enjoyable friendships. I want to find fun and enjoyment in doing something. However, right now all of this eludes me.
For now and as in the past---
I am only a survivor until I can learn to live. So, as I learned in A.A., I will take this pain and sadness one day at a time until I can find some strength and encouragement and something to bring life to me.