As I sit here drinking my coffee, I have started thinking
about how much my life has changed since I have found sobriety. It has not been an easy road, but it brings
me back to the question that I have been asked on a few occasions: How did you fall into drinking being raised
in the church and with a loving family?
On the surface, I suppose that it sounds like an easy question, but upon
truly pondering this thought it does not boil down into a simple answer. The road takes many twists and turns that I was
not prepared to acknowledge.
Being raised in the church and being taught of the disdain
that God has towards alcohol it seems as though I would have been
protected. I would have had a strong
sense purpose and belonging that I would not fall victim to something seemingly
so simple as becoming addicted. But I have discovered that being in a church
does not protect you from anything.
Those within the church love and care for you, but they cannot protect
you or stop you from falling into sin.
They can pray for you and talk to you, but they cannot make choices for
you. They can only do so much.
Perhaps the first issue that needs to be addressed is the
fact that people who have a strong sense of belonging and purpose within the
church fail to see or understand that there are those out there who do not have
those same feelings. No matter how much
one tries to give the appearance of fitting in and making a go of the church,
there is the chance of not finding the connection. It is does not necessarily mean that the
finger can be pointed at any one individual, because it just happens.
Feeling lost within the church when you should feel accepted
and loved is something that seems foreign to so many people. One can be broken and afraid of life,
thoughts, and uncertainties while still attending a church, and finding a way
to voice those feelings is often a scary thing.
For me, being taught since childhood the ways of God and what was
expected of me, I felt as though I was a failure and letting people down because
I remember always feeling somewhat depressed and never could measure up that
what was required of me. At the same
time I was being told that I was created and love by God and the church, and
hearing these things; knowing what I knew, how could it be revealed that
something did not feel right.
Finding a way to express these feelings would have been
great, but for me, I was unable to do so and it led me to this:
Have you ever felt out of place? As though there is no hope of ever fitting
in? At school and work you may be do fine, but cannot ever feel as though you
belong? Are you lost at social
engagements hoping just to survive?
Family functions a strain to make it through? Perhaps, if you could find a way to be less
uptight, less anxious, and gain a bit more self-confidence things would better,
then you know how I felt.
This is where I was for more years and occasions than I care
to count or admit. I was always
searching for something to me feel just a bit more connected. But what was that something? Was there such a thing that could help
me? I seriously doubted it, but one day
I did find that something. I found to my
delight that in alcohol I could fit in.
With the intoxication things magically changed. There was no longer the self- doubt. I found that I could talk to people and that
people seemed to like me. The social dysfunction
was gone. The social settings seemed to
be much easier to get through and were not something that felt like a chore or
a duty. I came away having some fun. I found with a bit of alcohol things went
more smoothly. Soon it became
commonplace for me to take a nip to deal with any situation that shook my
nerves. Once the alcohol was in me the
fears went away and that was all that mattered to me.
This worked for a time and I thought that I had found the
answer to life. The answer to how I
could do more than just survive. My
conscience did start to bother me because I knew what the Bible had to say
about drunkenness. That was only short
lived because justifying it for medical purposed made sense. After all, God wanted me to be able to
function with people, and I wasn’t a drunk or an alcoholic. Paul had told Timothy to drink for his stomach;
I was drinking for my nerves. This gave
me the feeling of being right with God and still telling myself, “no
problem.” Besides, I still was not
drinking every day.
The lies kept piling up, and before I could see what was
going on I had become an alcoholic. I was a drunk, and had been for a long
time, but it finally hit me and I knew it.
Through the lies and justifications it had been hidden fairly well. Most people looked at me and saw nothing
resembling an alcoholic. The job was
still there, but I was drinking on the job to make it through. I was providing shelter for my family, but it
was substandard and they should have been living in something better. Church attendance was almost perfect, but it
was nothing more than a façade.
How was I to go on knowing that I was an alcoholic? What was the next step? I did not know what to do or where to
go. Finally a door opened up and ended
up in a support group and found some answers to what I needed. I found something that was missing for so
long. There was acceptance of me for me,
and not because I drank, but because of who I was. The thing that changed my life the most was
the fact that I found that there were others who thought and felt the same I
did.
What I learned from this group, I believe that we need to
add to the church if we are to truly be effective.
1. We must accept people for who they are.
2.
We must accept and understand not everyone
thinks and process things the same way.
3.
Mental disorders are not a sign of lacking in
faith.
4.
Prayer will not fix everything.
5.
It takes more than sitting in a meeting once a
week to make a difference. We need
relationships.
GOD has done so much for you as a witness of HIS grace...mercy...love...but 4 his grace WE the same...when u excel...we ALL do...Bless you!
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